2012 List of Crappy Movies and Ones to Avoid

40 mhc kdr pull quoteThis is 40 – Recruiting video for Occupy movement. These selfish, horrible  1%-ers are just like the characters in “Lost” – dead the whole time. More soon-to-be-date pop culture references than a Train song. yet another hyper-conservative screed from Judd Apatow who clearly hates change and America. Ridicule, poop jokes and excessive cursing serve as misdirection for this hateful, misogynist & misantrophic “film” which seemed longer than Andy Warhol’s Empire.

Silver Linings Playbook – A disingenuous, ro-manic movie in which a violent asshole lead character is seduced by a wildly unbelievable 20-yr wise-beyond-her-years nympho through the magic of ballroom dancing. There’s a few handfuls of racism tossed in there too. Ugh. It’s unfathomable how this is in anyone’s top 10.

Hitchcock – Hannibal in a fat suit making the super-talented Helen Mirren look as if she’s just cashing a paycheck. It also features Danny Huston who if he gets more than 10 lines of dialogue ruins every. Single. Movie. He. Is. In. The whole Ed Gein angle was beyond ridiculous. Jessica Biel looked great in her period costume, so there’s that.

Hyde Park Handjob on the Hudson – uh…Laura Linney was not 100% grating as usual. Murray showed signs of a better movie hidden somewhere in all of his talk of stamp collecting and forcing the King to eat his hot dog.

Lawless – Great cinematography and music ruined by terrible acting. The worst attempts at Southern accents since that crazy white girl in Trapped in the Closet.

Skyfail – James Bond with a Home Alone ending. Bring back Remington Steele.

Butter – Rancid attempt at political satire. Yet another pathetic movie about my home state of Iowa with some terrible stereotypes to go along with the utterly preposterous script. Mrs. Ben Affleck was particularly not-good in the film too.

Alex Cross – Tyler Perry + Charlie from LOST + Ed Burns? There’s three reasons.

Promised Land – An ironic promo movie for fracking. Just what is the promised land of the title? If it’s the plucky small town which has no clues as to why it’s being taken behind the economic woodshed – then frack away.

Here’s a few movies that I will NEVER see unless strapped to a chair with my eyes pried open Clockwork Orange-style

Twilight Parts 12 & 13

Hobbit Part 1 of 7

Avengers, Spider-Man almost all comic book movies w/o Hellboy in them.

Lez Miserable

People Like Us / This Means War – most Chris Pine movies actually.

– Anything w/Adam Sandler NOT directed by PTA

The Watch

Parental Guidance

Taken 2

Atlas Shrugged

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